I forgot for awhile

…that I had a blog. I got busy with life, focused on my thesis, frustrated with my data collection and pissed at my procrastination.

I hope you are all well and in the best health and iman. I just checked all my favourite blogs and few of you have not written for a while. I wonder what happened. I will be bugging you guys 2morrow inshallah to find out what happened to my favourite pass time.

Holla back people and show me some love and you are all still around and kicking.

May Allah keep us guided, give us health, patience and tawqa.

Salamaz

A muddle mind

I need my own confusion.com to help me solve some issues and find a new direction in life. I know what you are thinking, turn to Allah and he shall help you and guide you better than anyone or any confusion strategy you can possible employ. I agree, but I think my confusion stems from too much choice, Allah has provided me with so many options, so many paths, so many options. Which one?

No, that is not the problem, but it seems like that. However, if I’m honest, the problem cannot be too many options. The problem is, that I’m afraid to ask for Allah’s help, because what if, after he shows me the right road, I can’t follow thorough. Even worse, I kind of know the path I should take. But I’m trying to combine it with other things, which is not a problem in itself, depending on how far the other path takes me.

Same time, last year I had this same muddle mind, after some heavy serious discussion in my head, half hearted attempts to do the right thing. I had settled for the middle path, or rather, just procrastinating; now I’m back to the same spot. Errrrg.

The brother from the BUS

 

I recently went to a family wedding, I sat in a corner with my cousin reading a leaflet (I know, but I really do hate weddings, I was just showing my face and paying my respects to my cousin who was getting married) Anyway I could sense I was being watched, this strange feeling every now and then, I would look around and then just go back to my reading. A little while later a girl I went to university with  (who also happens to be related to family) comes over and starts chatting to me, “lovely wedding, I came with my mum and brother”, She continued without letting me speak “you’ve never met my brother yet have you”? I went to say hello to her mother and escape before she drags me off to meet her brother. On my back to my seat, I found the pair of eyes that have been burning a hole in me. There sat the guy from the bus (I hear you saying what bus, what guy) Let me explain; for the last three years, me and this brother get on the same bus every morning and every evening, there is an awareness thing that was going on but we never spoke. Sometime we’d end up sitting next to each other, opposite each other, and when there are no seats standing next to each other. I got so use to seeing him on the bus, that if I did not spot him, I’d look around until I did or wonder what happened to him if I did not see him for a while.

 

So I find myself five feet from the same guy, he got up from his chair and walked over. I stood frozen, it felt like a life time before he reached, I could feel my brother and my cousins gaze (maybe I was being paranoid, but it did not help he was the tallest guy at the wedding, I could feel people gazes following him) Oh Sh*td, don’t come over please, my brother will slowly and painfully break your legs with the help of my own over grown cousins and his friends. He strolled over like he owned the place and everyone in it, I stood there thousand thoughts running thorough my mind. I missed the first part of what he said, and continue looking at him lost in my own thoughts. When I snapped back to reality he was laughing (possible at my face or something he said) “WHAT” I almost shouted, “My girl from the bus” he said with a lopsided grin. “I just came over to thank you for bighting up my day for the last few years” he said. I smiled and said “O” (What, well what else I’m suppose to say?) “I’m Mustafa” he said, “Ibtisam, good to meet you” I swiftly side stepped him, mutter something about fresh air, I grabbed my cousins hand and headed outside the hall for some fresh air and away from him, “wait I forgot my phone” she said and run back in. I called the lift and stepped inside, I bent down to straighten my shoe strap, when I stood up again, there in the suddenly tiny lift was the bus guy, and the door was closing. Errrg I though “why are you running away” he said, “I’m not, I need fresh air, it is too loud and hot” He smiled (like a yeah right smile, so so smug I thought) I noticed the lift was not moving and I started to panic, if anyone came out now, it would look so wrong. I pressed “G” for ground floor. “This is my families wedding, unless you want your legs broken….” He interrupted me “nice hijab combo, you look beautiful”  I gave him a look that could melt ice cream “I suggest you step out of this lift and walk in the opposite direction” I finished my sentence as if he did not speak, this nigga wants to get himself some beats I thought. “Oh, nice of you to worry, but it is my families wedding as well” he said. I was about to ask how or who he was related to when the door opened at the ground level.

 

There stood the girl I went to university, same one who wanted to introduce me to her brother, I was almost happy to see her! Lol. That is until she opened her mouth “Oh I see you two have met” she said, I looked at her, then the bus guy, the back at her; Oh my god, why had I never noticed the similarities! “Your brother…” She laughed, he laughed, I wanted to smack them both. “You knew” I said pointing an accusing figure at him. “Yes, I saw a picture of you in my house from [Abdi] wedding [my other cousin who got married four years ago] I know your bothers and cousins too, hence why I’m confident they will no beat me” he continued. Errrrg so so smug! I need to get away. I headed straight back into the lift and closed the door in their face.

 

 

 

The art of pain….

Pain is something I’ve become familiar with in the last few weeks. Alhumdulilah I never use to get ill, but in the last six months illness has become a very big part of life. First I lost tons of weight courtesy of getting ill when I went back home. I become anemic, my back was killing me constantly and then I had a flu every other week. Recently I don’t even remember the last time I felt 100%. I’m losing life again, I can feel myself slipping. My body is shutting down, maybe I’m getting old, this is what it feels like to get old. Finally I know, I have reached that age. Either that or I need to get away, I must stop sitting and studying on my bed because my back is gone. My bed side table looks like a medicine cabinet. There is my Iron tablets, pain killers, more pain killers, Vitamin C. This is the most medication I’ve taken. In fact I never had a GP, never saw a doctor till I came back from back home in the summer.

 

Honestly I just need some sunshine and I think I’ll be fine. Maybe just need to up and leave again. It worked wonders for me last time. Traveling cures so many problems, for one thing it calms the soul, the new experience helps the aching muscles…..